


The Hobbit: DVD Edition

by Sir_Nemo



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Movie Reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 09:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sir_Nemo/pseuds/Sir_Nemo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not only did Smaug take their home. It took their DVDs.</p>
<p>(In which everyone in Middle-Earth watches a lot of TV. Except for Hobbits, they like books.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hobbit: DVD Edition

**Author's Note:**

> All blame and some of the credit may be directed towards my roommate and the following conversation I had with him:
> 
> Roommate (staring at my Hobbit poster): How come the dwarves don't know Bilbo has the Ring? Haven't they watched LotR?
> 
> Me: Of course they haven't. Smaug took their DVD collection.
> 
> And thus this was born. It is all very silly.

In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. It was not a nasty, wet hole by any means, because that wouldn't do good for the hobbit's books. Hobbits were known for being quite a big readers, and in this age of DVDs, that's saying something.

This particular hobbit was named Bilbo Baggins, and he was a quite respectable middle-aged hobbit, with a large pantry and even larger library.

One day a wizard named Gandalf came by and he brought 13 dwarves with him. Bilbo fed them all, though muttering curses all the way through. Dwarves, it seemed, were hard to please. After they had utterly emptied poor little Bilbo's pantry, one of them asked:

”Could we watch a movie?”

”I don't even own a TV,” Bilbo said, confused.

”But, what do you do then in your spare time?”

”I read books.”

The dwarves gasped, like they had never heard something quite so ridiculous. Thorin Oakenshield, the leader of the group, who was rather handsome for a dwarf, or so Bilbo thought, turned to Gandalf and said:

”How is this bookworm going to be of help in our quest?”

”What quest?” Bilbo asked, but was ignored.

”You wanted a fourteenth member to the Company and I have chosen Master Baggins. He could confuse it with references to books not yet made into movies.”

”Confuse who?” Bilbo asked.

”The dragon Smaug of course,” one dwarf by the name of Bofur said.

”What?!”

”Ah, yes, you don't know about our quest,” Gandalf said. ”Thorin here is an heir to the throne of dwarf kingdom of Erebor. About 60 years ago Erebor was taken over by a dragon named Smaug. This quest is to get the Lonely Mountain back.”

”He took our home,” Thorin growled. There were angry murmurs from the other members of the Company.

”And our DVDs,” Balin added.

”That dragon has been an uninvited guest in those halls for far too long.”

”I never got to finish Friends,” Balin sighed.

”Focus Balin,” Thorin said. ”It's time we take back what is ours!”

The dwarves cheered, except for Balin who muttered:

”I want to know if Rachel and Ross get together in the end.”

”Well,” Bilbo said, as the cheering died down. ”I'm not coming.”

He went anyway. And they faced a great amount of dangers, and there was some general confusion and a lot of running. Basically they ran until they found themselves in the elven home of Rivendell. 

\- -  
The dwarves were attended to in the house of Elrond with great hospitality, much to their chagrin. They were offered food, green food which wasn't to their liking; dwarves have trouble understanding anything that isn't deep fried. About halfway through the meal, Kili noticed a telly sitting in the corner of the room.

”Could we maybe watch a movie?” he wondered.

Gandalf looked like he was about to say something to that, but Elrond just smiled.

”Of course.” Then he gave a sharp command in Elvish and the telly was turned on. The Company watched in complete silence for about ten minutes.

”What the Hell is this?” Thorin asked.

”Trois Couleurs: Rogue,” Elrond answered.

”I don't like French Cinema,” Ori complained.

”Just give it a try,” Dori said.

”I wonder if they have any slasher flicks?” Ori said, looking around and sounding hopeful.

It turned out that the elves did not have any slasher flicks. The dwarves were rather bored by all of this, until Bofur decided to share his one-dwarf-re-enactment of Die Hard. The French film was consequently forgotten.

\- -  
Their adventure continued in much the same fashion after they left Rivendell. There was some running, and some chasing, and absolutely no time to stop and read a book.

Their journey came to a halt when they tried to go through Mirkwood, and got captured by the elves there, everyone except Bilbo, who had acquired a magic ring previously.

Thorin was brought in front of the King of Mirkwood, Thranduil. Thranduil was sitting, or indeed was half-laying on his throne, legs carelessly thrown over the armrest, staring at a TV, which seemed to be showing an old Looney Tunes -cartoon. 

Thorin stared at Thranduil, who indicated in no way that he had noticed the dwarf's presence. But immediately when Thorin tried to take a peek at the TV -screen, Thranduil turned it off with a remote, and turned to Thorin.

”Thorin Oakenshield,” he said, voice like melted chocolate, the kind that has at least 60% cocoa in it. ”You are on a quest for the mountain.”

”It is my mountain to claim,” Thorin answered.

”Indeed. Let's make a deal, because the mountain holds something I too quite desire.”

”And what would be that?”

”A collection of Tom & Jerry -DVDs. If you can promise me them, I will let you go.”

Thorin said that he wouldn't take the deal, in so many words, and those words are unfortunately the kind we can not put down on paper, for those of more sensitive dispositions might be offended. We can, however put down Thranduil's answer. It was this:

”Rot in my prison, then.”

They did not in fact rot in Thranduil's prison, because Bilbo got them out and they were back on the quest for the mountain.

\- -  
So they finally came upon the Lonely Mountain, and Bilbo was sent in to find the Arkenstone. Too bad he got caught almost immediately.

”Hello thief,” said Smaug the Terrible, as one big claw hooked under Bilbo's jacket and lifted him up.

”Hi,” squeaked Bilbo, shaking like a leaf as the dragon regarded him with one curious eye.

”I know what you're here for,” Smaug purred, if anything so massive could have said to have made a sound such as purring. ”You're here for the Arkenstone, to steal it for your little dwarfish friends.”

”I- I- h-have no idea what you're talking about,” Bilbo said.

”Don't you? We'll have to see about that. Let's wait until your dwarf-companions become worried and rush here. While we wait, maybe we could watch a movie. Is Harry Potter familiar to you?”

”I've read the books.”

”Books? Who reads books anymore?” Smaug laughed, reaching over and choosing one of the thousands of DVDs laying in piles all around the great halls of Erebor.

”Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows. I've been saving it. Care to watch it with me, thief?”

”Sure,” Bilbo said with a shrug. ”Got popcorn?”

\- -  
(146 minutes later)  
”It ended?!” Smaug wailed. ”How it could end like that? That is no ending!”

”Let me see,” Bilbo said, and took the DVD cover. ”Oh, there's your problem. It's Deathly Hallows Part 1. There's a second part to it.”

Smaug grabbed the DVD cover back, and glared at it.

”You're right, bookreader. The font is so tiny that I must have missed it. Part 2. I don't have it! Oh, what do I do?” 

Bilbo gave the dragon's claw a sympathetic pat.

”I know! I wonder if the good people of Laketown could lend me their copy. I shall go ask!”

And so Smaug the Terrible, took off, rushing out of Erebor, past the confused dwarves and out into the night sky, screaming:  
”Deathly Hallowssss!”

\- -  
If Smaug had paused to think, he should have figured out that approaching a sleeping town while screaming was not the best idea.

But, alas, he didn't.

And, as Smaug the Awesome, fell from the sky, towards the lake, slain by a black arrow, and clutching his copy of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part One, one could hear a terrible, sorrowful roar emitting from its lungs:

”I never got to see how it endsss.”

\- -  
Bard the Bowman, now the Slayer of the Dragon and King of Laketown, marched to the great halls of Erebor, and stopped in front of the great throne, on which Thorin Oakenshield sat. He didn't even glance around the great halls, didn't look at all impressed at the sight of the legendary dwarven home, he only glared at Thorin, and said:

”The dragon you set loose destroyed half of my town, I demand compensation.”

”No,”Thorin Oakenshield, now the King Under the Mountain, said, reading the back cover of a Terminator -DVD.

”What Thorin means,” Bilbo hurried to explain. ”Is that technically Smaug didn't attack your town.”

”He didn't? What do you then call a flying fire-breathing beast landing on top of a building screaming 'death'?”

”I think he tried to say ”Deathly Hallows”. He wanted to lend the last Harry Potter -movie. He must have gotten over-excited.”

”Oh.”

Bard narrowed his eyes at Bilbo, and then at Thorin, who had moved on in his DVD-pile, and was frowning at a copy of Amelie.

”Elvish crap,” he muttered, and tossed the DVD aside.

”I still demand you pay up for the damage. It came from your mountain,” Bard said.

”No,” said Thorin Oakenshield. Bard sighed.

”Suppose I could lend your copy of Little Mermaid? Tilda really likes it, but it got destroyed in the fire.”

”No,” said Thorin Oakenshield.

”Fine, then. Next time I'll come here, I'll come here with weapons,” Bard growled and marched off.

”That could have gone better,” Bilbo sighed. ”I wish you had asked Balin to be here. He knows about diplomacy. Where's Balin anyway?”

\- -  
Deep in the chambers below, all alone, sat a dwarf, watching telly. He was so engrossed with the story unfolding in front of him, that the bowl of ice cream, he had been saving just for this occasion, was slowly melting into milky goo.

”Get off the damn plane,” Balin muttered at the screen.

” _I got off the plane_ ,” the woman on the TV screen said, and Balin had to wipe tears off his eyes with his beard.

”Well worth all the trouble,” he murmured. ”Well worth.”


End file.
